Saturday, November 3, 2007

not a martial arts film

Curse of the Golden Flower
(Yimou Zhang, 2006)

Mother fucks son, son fucks sister.

The movie that wishes it were Hero, but was not close. Not at all, not even a little. Grandiose hand built stages interrupted by embarrassing CG backdrops. Slow poke story line alleviated by all too rare and wholly unsatisfying fight scenes. Why does the blood look so bad? HOLY COW!! Gong Li has some amazing cans. Same for young supporting actress. This film did nothing to cause me to rethink martial art films as the box back claimed, but damn, it did cause me to rethink my stance on Chinese women w/ their tats bound tight and popping outta dress tops.

general flow of film : BORING, jesus! nice rack, BORING, BORING, whoa that dood has sickle in his back, YES! fucking archers!, BORING, wow, i enjoy large breasted women running and riding horses, BORING, FIGHT SCENE (anh, not that great), etc. etc. ad nausea

Oh but the part where the chick gets kicked in the ute is hella

Not recommended

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


We last left our B-Boy crew as they were abouts to be "rapists to death" by either A) a horde of Peasants, or 2) some bad-ass Nightswatch who told Jonas to go "f" himself. That was at least 5 sessions ago and the outcome of that incident was this: Lily coup de graced 2 pinned Black Brothers and poisoned the mortally wounded Ser Meryk. Other notable happenings were the death of Nomar (though his spirit is rumored to be seen shredding on a double-necked guitar where ever and whenever the word "brutal" can be used.) and the stewardship of Lord Karstark.

Jonas Glover then led an expedition of 40 men into the North to find the mysterious "Weapon of Power" or "WoP." Turns out there are ghosts and undead and shit up there and half the party is killed. The other half is taken "guest" with some wildlings until the undead kill ALL OF THEM! (And some of us.) On the plus side, Keldrin got a sweet undead vaporizing bow and the party leveled. Even the new guy, Therock (The Rock,) played by Steve.

"Undead horde... threatening the North... not a lot we can do." says the party to Lord Karstark upon their return.

"I bid thee go and fetch your zombie head... unleash upon the world what has been unleashed upon me!" Lord Karstark bellowed with a sickening pelvic thrust for good measure.


"Zombies everywhere! Kings Landing is being overrun by Others! Oh, what ungodly sin has our King committed to bring such a fowl, plague upon us?!"

The group looks back and forth at the spreading zombie infestation. It isn't said aloud, but you can tell that they all are feeling that killing those two hookers and making them zombies for the good of the Kingdom... might have been a mistake.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The ever-present death knell of radio

Far from a new phenomenon (folks have been predicting the demise and subsequent resurrection of radio and DJs alike since before the advent of “telefilm” and car-based “records”), yet depressing nonetheless:
Recently I was in a meeting with Charles Bronfman, one of the wealthiest men in Canada and a great philanthropist. He was relating a story at one point about a teenager he met who said she didn’t understand the point of the radio. “Why would I want someone else to pick my playlist?” she asked Bronfman.

via Mental Floss

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Tac Scope 70's Style

Assault on Precinct 13
(John Carpenter, 1976)


1) Best OST ever. One song. Totally on synths. Totally inspired the music for Doom, no doubt.
2) Actually decent characters, pleasantly surprised.
3) Casting for the main lady theory: Costume found a sweater they liked, casting threw it on girls in their price range until they found one who looked decent in it.
4) Really glad that lady died.
5) At first one would think footage was repeated, but no they just did the same thing over and over.
6) WAAAAAAY better than the newer one (w/ Ethan Hawke?).
7) Intensity traded for short movie experience, thank you.
8) Came in letter box, which I do not like because it cuts off the top and bottom of the picture.
9) First movie from library that wasn't all scratched to hell.
10) Pleasing experience, but I wouldn't rush out for it.

Not recommended

Monday, August 20, 2007

oddly written script or missed cultural reference?

The Univited
(Lee Su-Yeon, 2003)

Architect maddened by dead babies.

Ok, first hour makes sense. What happened to the second half? I fall asleep? Blink? Obscure S.Korean cultural reference? WTF? I mean I was drinking, but not that much. Starts out in a very much Jacob's Ladder/Silent Hill (video game) manner, but quickly strays and offers something different, which is an entirely good thing. AND HOLY COW! Main d00d's fiance is sorta like a babe or somesuch. Yet, as the fellow running BHF warned, Korean women are crazy, pretentious, and used to being treated like a princess, nothing is good enough for them AND HOLY COW was that ever captured. Thanks BHF d00d, I never doubted you, but after such I certainly never will. Oh yeah, the driving depicted in the movie was just about as good as that seen on the northern end of Aurora. Fitting unobtrusive soundtrack, purposeful pace, moments just agonizing enough and then BLAM! it sorta hits the fan and you're all WHAT? Amazing production value, totally creepy wife to be, bizarre xtian references (is that big in S.Korea?), brief and totally untitilating boob shot, but boobs nonetheless. Also, all the main characters looked fairly "normal" as in "oh yeah that's an asian d00d," but the extras... wow, those were some fucked up looking people. In closing, people who own cats and talk to others thru are, yes, truly crazed.


Sunday, August 19, 2007

They really made this film back then?

The Bad Seed
(Mervyn LeRoy, 1956)

Retard suspects eight-year-old of foul deeds.

What an unsettling little film. Gets the skin crawling right from the get-go. Radtastic black and white, fitting soundtrack, Nancy Kelly's voice is so hot! I get the odd feeling that I've worked w/ a LeRoy before and jesus what a borderline pederast he is! Credits are simply amazing and certainly npod proof (you'll know what I mean).


Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Being There

Being There
(Hal Ashby, 1979)

Retard mistaken for wizard.

INSANELY BRILLIANT. Peter Sellers, jeez does that guy kick the crap out of so many other actors that are claimed to be "good." TOTALLY SICK SOUNDTRACK! Shirley MacLaine is a one. Flawless delivery, truly fidelous imagery (suck it magnetic tape!), political intrigue that isn't boring, EVERYONE GOES TO THE SAME BAR! Constantly hilarious, always intriguing.



(Juzo Itami, 1986)

Dead alcoholic leaves widow w/ noodle shop, milksop of a boy. Craggy cowboy saves the day.

What a charming little film. Lovely intro, something we'd all like to say to folk at the theatre. Insanely tasteful use of boob shots (I don't understand why they can't be incorporated into every film). Fascinating mix of levels of society and their view of food. Decently heroic/heartwarming w/o being saccharine. Totally down w/ the little boy's Meiji foot soldier style backpack. This film does prove that the only woman who ever looked good in stupid 80s clothes was Gena Davis in Accidental Tourist (I do not fetishize that vision at all).


Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Tokyo Psycho

Tokyo Psycho
(Ataru Oikawa, 2005)

Twenty-something babe-in-plain-wrapping reunites w/ old flame.

Wait, what did I just watch? Um, jeez. Japanese cinematography flippin' sucks. Could just be this film, however, but I will do like every good little member of the race of man and judge the entirety of the other upon this one experience. Soundtrack is fairly tight at times, distracting at others, wholly appropriate. Thankfully short, not terribly thought provoking, certainly uncomfortable at times. Kinda like it and kinda could have done w/o it. This film has the honor of a new rating being born into the system.

True neutral

Monday, August 6, 2007

When we were Kings

When we were Kings
(Leon Gast, 1996)

Documentary of Ali/Foreman Rumble in the Jungle, Zaire 1974.

Holy cow. Ali, brilliant strategist. Sorta cocky, kind of a dick, wonderfully charming. Foreman, silent, stoic, scary, scary man. Apparently quite a bit of political as well as sports significance to this fight. W/ the incredible spokeness of both men it only reinforces the stereotype that today's athletes are uneducated criminals. Found this film to be quite inspiring and has caused a increase in my physical improvement efforts.


Sunday, August 5, 2007

The Fountain

The Fountain
(Darren Aronofsky, 2006)

Dying wife acts selfishly towards sympathetic husband.

Easily one of the most uninteresting films around. Um, lots of CG reminiscent of Magic Eye videos we all saw in Costco circa 1992. Er, bunch of weird new-age-esque bastardized eastern mystic stuff. Yeah just not very good. Not particularly interesting. Too bad CG showed up to perform as band aid for shoddy film making. All boosting C & B titles onto the A list.

Not recommended

Foul Play

Foul Play
(Colin Higgins, 1978)

Borderline ugly chick gets caught up in papal murder.

Peehole axed this one because it wasn't interesting enough. He then proceeded to put on the most uninteresting movie since Steel Magnolias, The Fountain. I fear the day I make this error and people hate me too. Dudely Moore was quite amusing.

Viewing incomplete, rating not possible

Monday, July 30, 2007


Role playing (yes, we role play!) was ended on a rather suspenseful note this evening as Jim decided to objectively search for justice/truth instead of *ahem* "doing the right thing." We left our characters in the midst of a riot in B.F.E. as 80-some cleave fodderers... oh, excuse me... villagers descended upon Jim, Marion, and Riley.

Whether or not they "descended upon" Steve is unknown at this point in time seeing as how he was in pseudo-support of killing the villagers' enemies. Tighe, may or may not be in danger of said "descending" seeing as how he may or may not have told the villagers to attack. Riley accused him of changing his mind post-turn, but Tighe insists that had all the facts been presented up front, his character would not have acted in the fashion he did. I am sure that the argument will be long and drawn out with many hurt feelings and many, Go fuck yourself!'s.






Find out next week in A Game of Thrones!

Me not smart


In The Know: Is Our Wealth Hurting AfricaĆ¢��s Feelings?

I felt that this was worthy of attention. Kudos to The Onion.


Daft Punk is playing at my arena

As quoted in some forum somewhere: "Don't worry, they'll probably tour again in TEN YEARS."

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Jacob's Ladder

Jacob's Ladder
(Adrian Layne, 1990)

Traumatized Vietnam vet copes w/ demons, barely.

Total mind fu**. Hot chick's boobs. Inspiration for Silent Hill, no doubt. Robbins, man wow, good work. Hey why does this film look so rad? Is it because IT IS SHOT ON FILM? Man who would have thought film looks better than digital? Long live the old ways! Not much else to say w/o spoiling it.


Shanghai Triad

Shanghai Triad
(Yimou Zhang, 1995)

Country bumpkin becomes boy servant to mob boss mistress.

Hilarity does not ensue. More or less a strange film that is rather well done. Though incredibly cheesy the soundtrack is most fitting. Uses first person camera shots better than Doom the movie (imagine that). Lesson learned : Chinese gangs are frickin' evil.


Battleship Potemkin

Battleship Potemkin
(Sergei M. Eisenstein, 1925)

Starved & abused Russian sailors claw for supremacy against the man.

Lovely little silent film. Well er, rather no talking, but heck of music. Amazing stunts, d00ds i'm pretty sure actually getting their asses kicked. Babies getting shot. Cossacks all jackin' fools. Tight little piece illustrating the struggles of the decaying Romanov society. Additional reading : The Fleet That Had to Die.


Sunday, July 15, 2007

The Accidental Tourist

The Accidental Tourist
(Lawrence Kasdan, 1988)

Slain child rends relationship, welsh corgi sparks a new one.

Personally reminded why I'm a bad person, but not moved to evolve. Hurt is phenomenal. Turner is Turner. Davis is a complete babe. Normal yet quite believably boring folk struggle right on thru all the lame bits in life. Well, the lame bits that come from the need to have complex personal relationships not so much bills and things. Initially feeling a bit long in the tooth, yet at climax, yes this story needs that much time.



"If ever there were a gym in my house I'd have these ladies watch over me," thought a younger version of the self while gawking at the neon bikini clad girls in the Payless poster rack. But really while curling in front of a mirror it occurs that Volvo was right raddest thing to put on a battle standard is you.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

le auto

The little blue book says my car is worth a lot more than I thought it was, even it its semi-decrepit state. Am now seriously mulling over a trade-in for another (better) used car at some point. Old Mercedes and Volvos look especially tempting, though 40+mpg in a Golf TDi (not to be confused) ain't particularly sneeze-worthy.

A place on the eastside even retrofits old Volvo wagons with new(ish) diesel engines, which I find admirable if a tad fetishistic. Same dealership sells smart cars, is big on biodiesel, etc., so I can understand the intended demographic.

Anywho, upshot: I seem to have a thing for European vehicles. I blame the Pweegit, my first and best (of two?) automobile.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Short Bus

Short Bus
(sometime recent, nobody cares)

Some gay dudes, some lesbians, some dominatrix, some broken marriage, some New Yorkers caught up on themselves.

Forgettable, but fortunately not regret inducing. As far as stories of "sexual deviants" go, not that great. Mysterious Skin is far and away a better movie. Then again the comparison is really apples to oranges where the oranges represent a lame movie and the apple represents the raddness that is Mysterious Skin. Best part is when the asian check exposes her vagina and Volvo said something like, "ha you can see her cooter." Outside of that, meh.

Not recommended

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Reborn on the 4th of July: Oliver Stone can shove it.

I arrived home from biking with Kristina at around 4pm on Wednesday to find (in order of appearance) Steve, Michael, Noah, Angie, Adam and Gay-Mexican Andrew. Adam and Noah were well into thier respective malt liquor 6-packs... 16 ounce cans mind you. After saying hello and taking a shower, I then proceeded to ciesta w/ Kristina.

Upon waking, I discovered that Noah and Adam were well on thier way to awesomeness and were becoming increasingly abusive towards others. Noah to, of course, Angie, and Adam to G.M.A.. Steve fired up the grill and we all listened to music until the temperature was jussssssssssst right. Adam and Noah's abusiveness continued.

Food was cooked and eaten 1 hour before the time Riley was told to arrive. Fast forward to Riley's arrival...

...Riley arrives. With Sangria and bab ganouj.

Angie is now drunk and enters a pact with Adam and Michael to eat a McPherson's jalapeno. Hilarity ensues. There is about 15 minutes of footage of Adam crying and spitting in the sink, (probably the source of the blockage now that i think about it) on the same reel that captured him dancing and Noah fighting with Angie.

Adam then collapses on the deck as Angie does flying jumps into Steve's beanbag. That's what she said.

Need to restart... will continue later.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

While I... happy to be earning "cheese," a new euphemism for skrilla, I find the day-to-day happenings of XML work tiresome and oh-so-monotaneous. Today is my second day, and I have reformatted (Ghost Image type reformatting) my machine 33 times! I have found that getting up and watching the heavier employees play Wii tennis is a good way to pass the time , and there are low-sugar juices (free(awesome)) near there so I can occupy myself by trying one of each flavor every 2 hours. I just finished off a Mango-Apple-Pear. It was less than amazing. I believe that I am the only person to partake in the free no-sugar Juices, everyone else seems to be drinking Mountain Dew or Diet Pepsi. Funny thing though, they drink the diet version of the drink, but they drink 5-10 cans a day. Also, 60% of the people I work with are wearing sweatpants.

(say "i like cheese") I LIKE CHEESE I LIKE CHEESE I LIKE CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you like cheese as much as these kids?

Do you go gay with cheese? ----------->

I thought so. Well gather 'round then, gentle readers, because I've just made the cheese discovery of my frickin' life!

Cheese is kinda a hard one to figure out. Some of it tastes like cheddar, is delicious, and comes in flavors like "sharp" or "medium." Pretty much you can field this one on your own. Other cheese smells like sweaty crotch and tastes like something i'm not going to put into print. How do you know what to choose?!?!? Well let me explain it to you via an analygy of David and Goliath! That's right: the tiny, prepubescent, warrior tot who went after a school yard bully of colossal proportions! A biblical shrimp versus whale! And how, dear reads, does our embryonic David take this leviathan out? He zings him in the frickin' head with a pebble!!!!!!! Oh, and what's this? In a twist of cruel fate, it seems the pebble has the force of a rocket and the giant is pushin' up the daisies! Hella unlikely you say? HELLA LIKELY SAYS THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL!!!!! Apparently, there's this disorder called Acromegaly, which basically causes the pituitary gland to suck up and produce hella growth hormones, like some sort of crazed body building BOWFLEX commercial reject, causing you to, you guessed it, get HUGE!

But oh no! Looks like giant size comes with a giant downfall! Because, as some know-it-all scientists say in THIS ARTICLE, most common causes of Acromegaly is a frickin' HUGE tumor in your frickin' pituitary gland! OH THE HUMANITY!

So let's say, gentle reader, that Goliath, being apparently SIX frickin' CUBITS in height (one cubit is equal to 125 miles, give or take), had this acromegaly calamity and so, LOGICALLY, had a frickin' huge-ass tumor! Then our flea hero, David, comes along and frickin' NAILS the side of Goliath's head, causing his large pituitary tumor to HELLA hemorrhage to shit, causing, YOU GUESSED IT, SUDDEN AND TOTAL DEATH!!!!!!!!!

So what does this have to do with cheese? WELL IT'S A FRICKIN' AWESOME STORY! WHAT DO YOU WANT? But fine! Like... the more you research about stuff, the more sense it makes or something...

ANYWAY, so yeah, this cheese I found is called Halloumi Grilling Cheese, and the packaging leads me to believe it's made by these shepherds from Cyprus, who i'm pretty sure might kill wolves with their bare hands to defend their flock (BAD ASS).
Ok, well these potential BAD ASSES make some frickin' AWESOME cheese! Haloumi, which I would describe as a semisoft cheese, has these tiny flecks of mint, and GRILLS to perfection! That's right! It doesn't melt, it toasts! I mean, i GUESS you could eat uncooked slices (salty!), or grate it on salads and pastas, but why ruin the experience??!? So sit in your boxers (or scandalous panties) and grill up slice after delicious slice of this MANA from the GODS!

You can find it at your local Middle Eastern market or specialty grocer! What's stopping you?

Monday, July 2, 2007

Seed of the Sesame

My God but Tahini is delicious. I know I must've used it in a hummus batch here or there, and likely thought it mouth-desertifying and somewhat bland/bitter, but I ran accorss it at this late date only because our dear friend Tighe had mentioned the making of Baba Ghanouj.



Akin somewhat to its bastard cousin peanut butter, and hardly worthy of comparison to that confused confection the "almond butter," this baby is (I imagine) good on toast, crackers, pita, and floor. Seriously. It might not change your life. But it will make you happy. If taken with liberal doses of chianti. Stop. Drunk blogging = truncated sentences and limited complexity of thought. Paging Hemingway.






All 14 Jul 2007 and sh**! do it , bring friends , bring enemies , bring your JDM TYTE enthusiasm and leave your player hating behind!

Three Thieves - Bandit Wine!

Three Thieves!

It's been a while, but I'm back on board again, and, I have to say, what a great wine!

The story?
Via their website, it seems the Three Thieves are industry veterans "with lots of friends with too much wine."

The plot?
Take selections of great wine, which are in excess, and throw them into a box (which looks suspiciously like a soy milk container, btw) and sell it for cheap ($5.99 at QFC).

The score?
Surprisingly good! While the quality varies from time to time based on what wines are in excess, I've found that Bandit consistently puts many more expensive wines to shame! Also, the 1 liter box will get you where you wanna go, for those of you who find that a single bottle of wine doesn't quite do the trick anymore. Other sizes include the 250 ml "Bullet", which comes in a four pack, and a jug, which i've never seen before.

As for the the types of wine, my favorite so far is their Cabernet Sauvignon. Very smooth, with a clear fruit taste (cherry?). Easy to drink down quick, if that's your game, or sip throughout the night.

Also, the lightweight and portable container makes this bad boy very easy to smuggle into your event of choice (movie theaters are mine).

So go head and quaff away. If you don't like it, then you're out $5.

Monday, June 25, 2007

The Promise

The Promise
(Chen Kaige, 2006)

Little girl bashes little boy in face w/ helmet, loses bread, grows up to be to be the cat's meow, but can never know true love. Had something to do w/ a lady that resembled Final Fantasy boss concept art.

A really awful movie that makes little sense and the cg is basically prerendered PS One intro movies. Rotten Tomatoes give is a 32%, but I find that a bit harsh and would give it a 35% due to the cgi forest bathing scene in which the viewer witnesses some seriously hot twenty something hong kong booty. Had me thinking dry hump. After a brief search there are currently no nudie pics of the actress and interest has been lost. Don't watch it ever for any reason, unless you only watch the surprised young filly hide her boobs which involves squeezing them together (uber hot). Whom ever recommended this to me will no longer have their suggestions validated by my hand.

Not recommended

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


Very quick plug here for the most promising critter to stagger out of the Redmond campus and into the interwubs in recent memory: Photosynth.

Here it is being debuted at TED:

Style of the season: New Rave

Excuse me for writing something that's soooo 2007, but NME just had a big thing about New Rave and today I just saw something in The Stranger about it as well, and i wanted to share my thoughts.


First off, I hate the name, however you spell it (New Rave or Nu Rave), although, on a side note, i'm still looking forward to nu-noise as the ultimate death rattle of the "nu" label. But yeah, the name stinks more than IDM.

Second, look at the guy to my left. Please. New rave looks like a clumsy attempt to bring electroclash back, and ends up just being shit. Dance punk born again? Lame.

Third, speaking of dance punk, what's rave-ish about this?


New Young Pony Club

Nothing electronic about it, except maybe a synth line or two here or there. It's a fine dance punk track, but it's breaking no new ground. And I hate this trend in music now to create a new genre every year and declare the old genre dead, only to create a bunch of hype! Then all the shitty "new" bands remix each other and cross promote to create a new "scene". Then the process starts over again next year. It's retarded. How many genres do we need? I thought 90s electronic filled up every possibility (Uplifting Progressive Trance anyone?)!

HOWEVER, I would like to see some new, sexy electronic music come out and stir people into dancing again. If I had it my way, and could have shaped "Nu Rave", it would have been called Hard Wave (i'd use Hard House, but that was used in the early 90s) and feature sounds like this:

Klaxons (the best "new rave" have to offer, btw, and only a few songs)


Vicarious Bliss

Busy P

Basically, I guess I'm guity of just wanting everyone to look at France's Ed Banger Records... But seriously, give me dirty synths! Give me some beats! Give me something a little new at least! New Rave is what's getting media attention? Dance Punk under a new label? Do yourself a favor and don't support this shit and check out something else. With any luck this trend will die out by the end of summer.

Pyrat XO Reserve

Pyrat XO Reserve

I went searching for a new rum the other day and got recommended this little beauty. While I should probably focus on taste first, check out this bad-assery:

Round, thick, jug-styled bottle, with fatty, long cork, yellow and gold ribbons, and a little icon of a fat guy (web research says it's Hoti, the god of bartenders). Make no mistake: this sets the bar well above Bacardi on looks alone.

Opened, Pyrat XO Reserve, like it's appearance, was all class. I enjoyed it on the rocks (well, one large rock thanks to these huge ice cube trays I got), and was immediately was struck by its sweet and spicy aroma. And, I have to say, i was completely won over by the first sip. Sweet, roasted sugar cane, with smoky oak, vanilla and spices (cinnamon?). Left me feeling like i could drink A LOT more.

I'll be honest, I haven't really tasted many high quality rums before, but Pyrat (the medieval word for Pirate, btw) made me feel like i wanna give up my love of whiskey for the summer and explore them, and why not? The taste is amazing and the price is a MUCH better! I'm not hating on whiskey, but when I can get a premium rum for 20 clams, compared to 35-50 for a good whiskey, what's not to like?

Further thoughts:

Pyrat XO Refresher
  • 2 oz Pyrat XO Reserve
  • Tonic
  • Lime Wedge

    Pour over rocks into bucket glass. Garnish with a squeezed lime.
Spiced Pyrat XO

Add cinnamon and nutmeg to taste. Serve over rocks or with coke.

Dark and Stormy
(thanks Hazelwood - this is a personal favorite)
  • 8 Oz Ginger Ale
  • 2 Oz Pyrat XO
  • Lime Wedge

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

driftwood shreddin' 12th or 13th century style

as per usual folklife serves very little function other for teenagers to smoke dope in public and give women their much needed fix of crappy handicrafts. however, for those brave men out there would have, if not for the cursed luck of being born in the here-and-now, explored, mapped, and ultimately dominated the world there is the ancient chinese art of driftwood shreddin'. The old fellow sat behind what looks exactly like the sweet as drift wood thing in Hero where they all be fighting in teh rain at the chess yard or whatever. During the warm up the old codger totally shredded. Volvo and I received erections from the display of masculinity while it is suspected that Drain supressed his since Way-To-Big-Of-A-Truck was there and he surely would have crushed her beneath his pulsing veiny might.

Also, juggling is always rad as long as they are juggling and not doing dumb stuff like trying to all showmanship ala 1875 Wild Wild West (wiki, wiki).

In conclusion - there were absolutely no babes there. Total sausage fest since ugly chicks don't count.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Ixnay on the Unatay

Why must Subway(tm) bookend their otherwise lovely workweek $3 specials with soggy meatballs and insipid tunafisk? Above shenanigans set me back an extra 200 Swedish fish for the privilege of eating something that doesn’t possess odors akin to the dysfunctional mini-fridge chock full of mold-ripened, rat-digested pork product left for two months to its own devices on a back patio of yore. Shit took three sets of rubber gloves and a quart of bleach to half-way disinfect.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Anathallo + Ghosts & Liars (Atlas clothing)

Summary: First good show at Atlas? Ghost & Liars were mayonnaise, but Anathallo brought on the roast beef (NY style)! Neither are great names for ones genital region.

Cost: 9 monies (see: cash, moolah, bread, rich beans, cheddar, jam jam, bones, grip, paper, etc)

You enter the dark cave, in the middle of the wild forest, dressed in your best chain mail, bastard sword, and a trusty torch in hand. The air is cool on your cheek. In front of your is a large, rusted iron door, with a sign, written in the common merchant language, which says "9 GOLD DRAGONS TO PASS". Next to it is a scale.

-- if you put 9 gold dragons in the scale, continue with this review --

The scale creeks downwards, almost touching the floor, with a POOF of magic steam, the dragons disappear and the door swings suddenly open. You find yourself magically drawn inwards, deeper into the cave. You think you can see lights up ahead and the drip of water coming from somewhere. You loosen your bastard sword in its sheath behind your back and continue forward. As you round the first corner of the cave, you are surprised by Ghost & Liars (the better members from previous band Some By Sea, plus two random sailors, apparently, both sprouting impressive facial hair 1 + 2 ) who play what can only be described as a Some By Sea-lite set. "All these actors and actresses" + clapping.

-OF NOTE- all singing in my reviews will be set apart in a sort of fuchsia, unless it's sweet. Then it will be in red. --

They magically disappear and you left confused.

-- if you wish to draw your bastard sword and continue on deeper into the cave, keep reading this review --

As you glance behind you, you notice that your footsteps are slowly disappearing into the growing darkness behind you, swallowed up by its many inky fingers. You grip your sword tighter and you shift your chain mail. In front of you, the lights and sounds of water are getting brighter and louder. The tunnel, however, is getting smaller and smaller. You squeeze around a tight corner and sudden come face to trunk with a giant, stone oak tree, in the front of a huge cavern. Its stone branches seem to quiver as you step into the room and beneath the echoes of your footsteps, you think you can hear your name being called.

-- If you approach the stone tree, continue to read this review --

You hesitate for a moment and then approach the giant oak tree. There seems be an enscription on its great trunk. You move a little closer and can barely make out the words "Anathallo". Suddenly the ground shifts under your feet. You fall to your knees, as large, stone roots break through the stone ground and wrap themselves around your legs and arms. You are unable to move and must stare in horror as, from the top of the stone oak tree, eight brightly colored acorns begin to roll and bounce towards your trapped body. Their every bounce sends a bass note pounding through your guts. and as they gain speed, they seem to emit a high, harmonized pitch (something around a high C). All eight acorns suddenly come to a stop, directly in front of your watering eyes. They regard each other and yourself, because bring out their tiny acorn guitars, trumpets, keyboards and percussion equipment. They bounce and squeal, shake and twist, then harmonize. Such sweet harmonizing! You think you can't stand it! Your eyes are watering, your ears feel tight against your brain. You can't feel your legs or your body. The acorns charm you with witty banter about their studio time and how at home you make them feel, playing in front of you in this dark cave. They seem to play forever, but you have no concept of how much time has passed. Sudden, they bounce a few last bass notes, and magically disappear! All of a sudden you find yourself on your back, outside the cave. Shaking the sleep out of your eyes, you stand and look around. The acorns and the cave are nowhere to be seen.

immortal barbarian killed by vultures final score:

8.5 raped and burned villages out of 10

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Bosch : totally hooked it up

totally bought one got one free but prior to that...

some cracked out fake-and-bake peroxide blonde was tweakin' cause her 19xx XYZ had shit for breaks like the rotors wore thru. this caused a yelling match at the parts counter that neither her less cracked out girlfriend or early retirement major league boyfriend could calm. she insisted on slappin' on some pads, but not that shizzle is suicide. and " I NEED THAT CAR " ; borrowing wouldn't do, refused to have it towed, declined the house call mechanic (i can't have people at my house! this phrase always means "i'm cooking some serious shit and don't need folk knowing i make w/ the drugs even though you can totally tell by my behavior"). the tirade* never really ended, just went to the parking lot, into some poor bastards car and surely proceeded for another three hours. minimum.

cashier tried to charge me full price for amorall products despite my coupon. wasn't having that. he caved and admitted to charging people full price all day.

such is ballard

(outro, play notorious b.i.g.'s "everyday struggle" and sip some tanqueray)


Saturday, April 21, 2007

not since i was thirteen

volvo, jeep, myself. all at teh local mart. grab some Colt 45s, grab some MD 20/20s, grab some candies. a fellow gentleman shopper approached us and specifically singled out jeep. why we all drinkin' MD? that tastes like kool-aid. volvo, jeep purchase. the gentleman purchases. all leave. i remain. my purchase begins. the gentleman returns. he notes that i too purchase the MD. he notes, and i quote (mostly kinda sorta, more like a quote w/ light paraphrasing) :
"i used to drink that shit when i was thirteen on mondays before school. once i got past thirty i said fuck that shit and now i only smoke weed."
he did, despite the light chastising (not seen such since when the older fellow called taurus and i pussy boys at teh smoke shop) wish me and mine a good evening. as i told him, it was just going to be that kind of night. and that kind of night it was.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

In Volvo's Arms, Murder Waits!

I show up and LS400 is already there. Taurus shows later while I was getting huge. A sandwich containing avocado as an ingredient was consumed. We watched pretty animated boobies (DOA, you keep a juvenile part of me alive and I like it). The Volvo came home (it is after all his house and basement). We all observed that he was on edge and quite angry. He had spent cash money on a banjo to delude himself about his problems. While we three attempted to sooth our angry and gigantic friend (because we are after all nice people, very nice people indeed) Volvo espied a mouse. Being the fair weather friend of animals that he is the Volvo attempted relations. Mr. mouse did not wish to be Volvo's friend and scurried off which angered the giant. Volvo snatched the mouse from the ground and crushed it in his gargantuan palm exclaiming, "I hope I see its brains!" Once the poor bastard had the last breath squeezed from his miniature frame the Volvo realized his folly. We three then took him to Safeway in an effort to cheer him via the charm of comfort feeding. This, however, did not satisfy and Taco Bell was struck upon instead. Upon departing from the cozy lair that is Volvo's basement I checked for the mangled form of the mouse which Volvo had so callously dumped in some bushes. It was gone. Miracle of easter, neighbor cats, or return of the raccoons? You decide.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Firing on 7 synapses

Wanna be hippie neighbor w/ the van leaking gas has spent money to improve his ride, however, this money was not to fix the gas leak. No, no. That would be not only ecologically sound, but an exercise in good citizenship. Instead he has bought a diecast "gold" plated license plate holder w/ twin naked ladies. I cannot wait until the next time he parks that turd on level ground (that's when the leak is apparent) again. Totally calling the Fire Department.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Teh old Spring forward

For those of you w/ "smart" devises which automatically set your clock's banter twice yearly please be sure to note that this morn you've not slept in, 9. Rather your devises are not privy to the dealings of DC. Please peep this earl to see the real time as the heavens intended. Too, if you have the unfortunate luck of using Outlook (rated second worst program ever. honors go to PowerPoint) be sure to 2xcheck all your meetings.